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Is there a safe enough space to say how I have weighed up the options to get out? How sometimes I want it all to stop, this relentless treadmill. What can I do to buy some time? What can I do to catch my breath? What can I do to take a break from the weight and anxiety?
What if I broke a bone? That would make it stop. But maybe only a little, depends what you break, you may still have to go in. This would involve some planning. Fall down the stairs? When you are hopeless, when you are drowning, these irrational thoughts creep into your head. You try to push them down. No don’t be stupid, it would be so painful... well physically... there is already pain emotionally. Would it would worth it to help that pain? A fair trade? Do others feel like this too? Do others have these thoughts? Or am I so messed up? Or do we just not want to say them out loud? After all this is anonymous. Even I am not brave enough at the moment to speak the truth out loud for everyone who knows me to read. I’d probably be locked up! So I hide behind a mask for now, so I can speak my truth without fear. Maybe someone will relate to my words and is also too scared to say them out loud. Maybe someone will take comfort they are not alone. Maybe anonymous is the only safe place for me for now.
Would I really consider something so extreme to escape? I don't think so, I don't want to hurt myself. But the truth and the reality is I have thought about it. Saying it out loud (virtually!) feels like a relief, it feels free. I just wonder if it is just me, who has had these extreme thoughts? Is it just how messed up my head is? Or is it the intense, relentless pressure cooker of the profession?