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The perfectionist burden
I am a self confessed perfectionist, a soon to be recovering perfectionist. I have always said to myself that being a perfectionist is good and bad. It means you strive for the best and work hard but it is a heavy burden to carry. The swing between success and failure creates extreme ups and downs. It is exhausting to have such high expectations for yourself but it is automatic as if there is no other way to be. I know this is not healthy and can lead to the road to burnout. It is as if there is a fork in the road. One of the roads leads to a big castle with 'success' in alluring flashing lights across the top and the other leads to certain deat... I mean 'failure' and 'burnout'. (I was picturing 'Cloud guy' saying "leads to certain death" from Trolls https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9scC5H7owog)
Anyway I started to think about this because I came across a quiz online 'Am I a perfectionist?' http://www.saywhydoi.com/perfectionism-test/ and I was preeeeeetty sure I knew what the answer would be, but I just wanted to see what it would say. The questions were quite interesting and made me realise that there were a couple of traits there that I hadn't linked with being a perfectionist. My results were 20 out of 25! Hit the nail on the head.
This lead me to reflect on why I am a perfectionist, what is it that makes me think and feel this way?
Purpose of life - In a way I feel like it could be my purpose to seek perfection or to strive to be as near as I can be "Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence" (Vince Lombardi). But when I actually think about this I realise that this is an impossible goal, nothing will ever be perfect and is it any wonder that you are more likely to encounter disappointment and frustration.
Success feels good - There's no doubt about it, when we 'get it right' it feels good and we get this warm glow inside us. It increases my self-esteem, I feel more valued, I feel like it could earn me more respect and validation. But this means that my confidence is linked to success and if I don't get something right then it is demoralising. My heart and my confidence are wide open and vulnerable to the inevitable pain of failure. It is a fact of life that we all fail things sometimes but that feeling of failure for me is crushing and I feel so worthless. It is me that adds value to events as good or bad and over-analyses. I need to work on my mindset, confidence and my self-esteem and try to disconnect this tie I have created to external events. I need to rationalise and scrutinize my perceptions of reality - are things I define as failure really a failure in reality? what are other peoples perceptions?
Validation and reassurance - "good girl well done" say our parents and the teachers "you have worked really hard". Why do I crave recognition? Is that vain? Is it narcissistic? I would be absolutely devastated if someone thought I was narcissistic. I definitely do not believe I am more important than others and arrogant. I feel like the opposite is true, I question and doubt myself and my confidence is often lacking. But as a true perfectionist I want to 'present well', I want to show that I am strong and coping. Anything less and it may signal to others that I am not achieving what I should be. So it may not always be obvious to other people that I need any validation or reassurance because I appear self assured and confident. But really deep down it is what I crave and I long for the mask I wear to be my real self. The reassurance, praise and adoration makes me feel valued, it makes me feel like I am worth something and accepted. I am now trying to learn that it is not weak to show vulnerability and that it proves that I am not a robot or super human, that I am a real person. I believe that as a leader this is a fundamental quality, to show people tears and be vulnerable... but not too many tears - I am after all a perfectionist! I don't want to cross the line and people think I am a hot mess! "pull it together!"
Will I ever be special? - I have always dreamed or hoped that I am destined for big things. That I will do something in this world that will be groundbreaking or make a difference. I don't know where this comes from, but I feel it in my core. I want to make a difference. Maybe this stems from trauma, maybe I am so determined not to let the trauma I have experienced in my past define me. Maybe I am subconsciously focused on outdoing the trauma. The trauma is so evil and devastating that I need to counteract it with something amazing, something big. I have spent my life striving to find what this is, what if there isn't anything? No that can't be true. I will make it happen. Some say 'what will be, will be' but I like to think we are more in control of our destiny than that. What if we don't like the way it looks like it is going to be? Surely we can drive it to the way we want it to be?
I have been researching ways to help overcome perfectionism (naturally the perfectionist in me wants to try to fix my flaws) and they have been interesting and useful in helping me to reflect.
1) Ask yourself "Why is it so important to me to be perfect?"
I have just explored this question above. I feel like in writing this post I have just counselled myself! In thinking about why I am such a perfectionist I have made connections to things I have not thought about before. Something has clicked. I feel a strong purpose in my life, I just haven't quite figured out what it is yet. Do we ever figure it out?
2) Doing our best is good enough
Putting so much pressure on ourselves really doesn't achieve anything. If we are so hard on ourselves we are just going to feel bad and not enjoy whatever it is we are trying to achieve. Would we put these high expectations on someone we love? No, we wouldn't want to hurt them, but it is fine to hurt ourselves?
3) Catch ourselves wallowing
I am going to try to recognise when I am wallowing in self pity and failure. It is a waste of energy going over and over the mistakes (which are probably alot smaller in reality). I will try to reflect and focus on what I can learn from it and do differently. No more pity parties.
4) We are not defined by our actions
This is a difficult one to accept as a perfectionist. I think this is because it is linked with how I feel about my self, my self-esteem and self worth. These are pretty low at the moment, so it is hard to say to myself that even if I do a task appallingly that I am still a worthy, valued, kind person.
5) Enjoy the journey
Throughout my life I have always lived ahead of myself. My head is always in what I am striving for or what I will be doing next. This can be stressful and stops me from living in the present. I need to enjoy what is happening NOW, on the journey to my goals. It sounds ridiculous but I need to let myself be happy. I need to let my guard down, loosen my focus and have fun. I feel like the only time I can do this at the moment is when I have had a drink. I do NOT want to rely on that, it is not healthy or a good habit. If I let myself be happy then maybe success will come more easily and naturally.
I wrote a blog post recently called 'glistening grass' and this was a when I experienced being able to slow down and take in my surroundings in the now and it felt amazing (https://umbrellagirl00.wixsite.com/behindthesmile/single-post/2018/05/17/Glistening-grass). I want to put this burden down and enjoy life and all it has to offer. I should be noticing the small things and be grateful for my health, family, friends and be thankful for how lucky and fortunate we are.
6) Be realistic
I don't think I will ever be able to not have goals in life, but I just need to try and check with myself how realistic they are. It is realistic to know that there may be set backs or failures along the way and THAT IS OK "she was unstoppable not because she did not have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them." Have the strength to carry on.
7) Procrastination is perfectionism's BFF.
Until I started reading up about perfectionism I somehow did not make the link between the two! But it is so obvious and it is so true! If I am working on something, before I know it hours have passed and I haven't achieved very much but I have found the perfect picture to go with it (Note to self - be strict and only allow myself to choose 1 of the first 3 pictures that come up). I need to give myself check points to assess my progress on a task after so long to see whether I am obsessing over the details and if I am MOVE ON!
8) View mistakes differently
(p.s. it took me too much time to choose that picture - I am still working on number 7)
9) It doesn't have to be the top level or perfect to contribute
I need to remember that I don't need to be the best at something to be able to contribute, small contributions still count.
"The woods would be very silent if no birds sand except those that sang best" (Henry Van Dyke).
10) Meditations, affirmations and visualizations
* Meditation - Clearing our minds and closing all those tabs in our brains will help us to slow down and live life 'in the now'. There are lots of apps and videos online which will guide us through the process... close your eyes, getting comfortable, learning to allow thoughts that have popped up to float past and focus back on breathing. A few minutes a day will help to set us in the right frame of mind for the day.
* Affirmations - instead of focusing on breathing in meditation, focus on positive statements. There are lots of videos with music online which are very inspiring. Positive statements good for perfectionists could be:
- What I do is good enough
- My best is good enough
- I accept the way I am / I deeply love and accept myself just as I am
- People who matter will still love me and accept my for who I am, not matter what my performance is
I know it will feel uncomfortable at first because in my head I will be thinking 'but I'm not'... but I am going to try to let the thought float away, carry on and maybe one day they will disappear.
* Visualizations - Examples of visualization exercises:
Exercise 1: Imagine letting go of perfectionism. You can do this by imagining a weight being lifted from you. You can give perfectionism a shape, colour, and appearance to help this visualization. You can add the sound or feeling of the weight being lifted from your shoulders.
Exercise 2: When you fall short of being perfect, what do you feel in your body? Is it pain? Turmoil? Constriction? A heaviness? Or something else? Where is it located in your body? Once you locate it, give it a colour. Now visualize this colour leaving your body. If you like, you can imagine yourself pulling it out, like a piece of string and wrapping it up into a big ball of yarn. Once it’s all outside your body, give it a happy, “good-feeling” colour. Once this transformation is complete, you can visualize yourself putting it back from where it came from.
You can create your own affirmations and visualizations and the the more personal they are the better the exercise will work.
I will leave you with a present... I give you permission to print and use it if you promise to follow me on twitter and retweet this post or my blog! A shameless plug I know. But if you have enjoyed reading this and got anything from it please help me grow my audience.
I hope you fellow perfectionists have found this post useful, I would love to hear how the perfectionist burden affects you and how you get on if you choose to use any of these ideas.